I was out walking today enjoying the Spring like weather when a truly horrifying sight accosted my eyes. It was truck and it was advertising Ed Hardy “fine” wines. Wonderful, so in addition to outfitting guidos and douchebags in heinous wannabe badass gear, Christian Audigier (A.K.A Ed Hardy) is now also quenching their thirst and fueling their predatory nights out with what is undoubtedly a fragrant and subtly complex wine suitable for their delicate and discerning palettes. Exactly what society needs. (Why do I imagine this stuff tastes like a combination of Mountain Dew meets Old E?) Instead of “fine wine” shouldn’t it be called “Date Rapist Juice”? Or perhaps, “Bar Brawl Brew”? I mean, we all know the guy who will buy this (and trust, people WILL buy it) You’ve seen him out, you may have even dated him back in the day (for shame!). The guy with the waxed eyebrows and a tribal tattoo on his upper arm, too tan and a little too buff (‘roided out, natch). He is the guy who refers to everyone as “bro” and answers his phone by flipping it up to his ear and eloquently burping out, “Talk to me kid.” A natural born winner. Why? Why do we need Ed Hardy wine people? Vodka (the purest most exceptional alcohol in my opinion) has had it’s reputation sullied by the likes of overdressed, too sweet, too frilly “exotic” mixed drinks, the flirtini, the cosmo, the appletini, so many cutsey "tini" drinks, not worthy of that pure, crystal clear nectar of the Gods. This to me is a sin, vodka is best drunk clean, perhaps some soda, some tonic, a lemon or lime wedge or a splash of Rose’s for the perfect gimlet of course. Alas, Vodka was long ago appropriated and dressed up like a pre-op tranny by the uneducated and uncivilized masses, however, I assumed wine was safe, safe from the unsavory and unseemly herds looking for a quick and "yummy" ride to inebriation. I suppose in this day and age nothing is sacred. So now even douche bags can swill the “good stuff” whilst dodging grenades, wooing walking HPV viruses swathed in wet seal dresses, and cooking their testicles in hot tubs. What is society coming to? Sigh. Side note: in the above ad at the bottom next to the link to the website it says, "The cool wine". Seriously. Which is inherently uncool. If you have to say it, then it immediately negates any possibility or potential for "coolness'. It's all just so upsetting, is it not?
Additionally, Lest you think this blog is merely a pair of drunks espousing their views on alcohol (a fine subject, worthy of it’s own blog, alas it shan't be this one) rest assured, the Blanches are here to fill your days with a little moxie, humor, and to of course say what we all are thinking but simply are too polite to say aloud. You’re welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment